I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I smell like Dick and happiness
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
