I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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