I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
