You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize