i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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