Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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