I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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