You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
