The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
