saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
