I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
