3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
