Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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