I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
