I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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