I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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