I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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