remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
