I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
