he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
