I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
