so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
