I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
