Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
