I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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