I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
