Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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