My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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