I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
