there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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