I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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