And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
