First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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