nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
