Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
