Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
