She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
