Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
