Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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