That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
