There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
