woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
my poor anus
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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