This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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