dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
