Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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