We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
