Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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