Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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