i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
