you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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