dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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