We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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