he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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