I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
