Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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