I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
