evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize