That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
