We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You can't just leave with hair like that
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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