I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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