i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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